In a relationship, still confused. | The Lesbian Question

In a relationship, still confused.

I?m sure many people look back and cringe when they reflect on their lives when they were about 10-13?When you were still in the dreadful years of middle school. I remember at this age, everyone around me was starting to develop their own identities, in terms of sexuality. Who liked who, who was ?dating? who, it was all very juvenile and petty, and I remember thinking the same back then. At that age and in the coming years, I never really looked at anyone thinking, ?Wow, they?re really hot!? like my pubescent counterparts. This confused me enough, but when I tried to picture my future, with relationships or whatever, I never pictured myself in a conventional relationship. I never pictured myself as the ?girl? in the relationship, or whatever you want to call it. I don?t mean in a sexual way, I mean in a mannerism way. I wanted to be the one to open doors, to put my arm around my partner?s shoulders, to have them rest their head on my chest, I wanted to be in that position. The problem is, I didn?t know whether I wanted to be with a man, or another woman. As time went on, and as I reached the age of 15 or 16, I started developing romantic feelings for my best friend (a female)?One day we had plans to meet at the homecoming game, and as I saw her walking towards me that night, it struck me so hard in my gut, that I wanted to be with her. These feelings remained as time grew, but she had feelings for a guy in our class, so eventually I realized that she would never return my feelings, and I moved past her.

Fast forward a year, it was the festival in our town, and my friends and I were hanging around, as usual, and one of my guy friends asked if I wanted to go for a walk. Now, I had the inkling that this guy had feelings for me, and I realized I returned those feelings, which confused me so much further. I didn?t know what these feelings meant. We took a walk to an abandoned mill down the road, and he said he ?liked? me, and asked if I wanted to go out sometime?I realize it was probably irresponsible of me, seeing as I was still so confused, but I said yes. We were really good friends, and the transition into more seemed effortless. But as time went on, things became physical. He asked over and over if I was comfortable with fooling around a bit (not all the way) and I said I was. Things were great. In our day to day relationship I could pretend that I had that?not dominance, but that role in a relationship that a male typically had. And in a way, I did. To others, it may seem strange, but it worked for us. But in a more physical, sexual situation, I could no longer tell myself I had that role. Everything felt wrong. Now, I don?t even want to cuddle or anything, and he?s starting to notice that I?ve seemed distant. I?ve recently developed an issue in my spine that?s very painful, and the doctor?s are trying to figure out what it is, but I?ve been ?blaming my lack of interest in any sort of intimacy and my distance on the pain, worry, and the muscle relaxers my doctor has me on. We?ve been dating for a year, and in a little over a month, he?s going a couple states away for college, and he keeps trying to bring up the conversation on whether we?re going to stay together or not. I keep trying to give him hints, even saying things like ?I?m just not 100% comfortable with my sexuality? and he?s still not getting it. He struggles with severe clinical depression, and I?m really trying to figure out a way to tell him, without hurting him.

?

My relationship only complicates the real issue. The issue is, what am I? Am I gay? Bi? I?ve even struggled with my gender being the issue, because I want to assume that male role, and I even have bound my chest before, because I don?t feel my breasts are right on me. I?ve always felt a strong interest in the concept of androgyny, and something called ?pansexuality??I don?t feel bound by the gender lines, or the labels of the LGBT community. I guess I?m just confused, and feel the need to put a label on it, to clarify for people like my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. ?I just don?t know what to do.

Source: http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/2012/08/16/in-a-relationship-still-confused/

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